STupid weather.. i hate it. sucks.

okays. i'm back here today.. trying hard to forget whatever that has happened last night.. at my tagboard.. yupps.today's CATS lesson was cancelled. so no need to go. but taekwando is still on. freaking have to go for school.. just for the fucking 2 hours. LAMESHIT! whatever. anyway i didn't arrive on time.. hahas. that's me. but teacher is nice enough to mark me as present. :) thank you!!!! :)

well, i received the email from mr phua.. he wanted to meet me and mummy tomorrow during my break time to talk about my debarment thing. 1pm. i'm wondering how to tell my mom.. cause i bet she'll tell me she have to look after my sister. and etc. well, i just told her cause she came into my room. and.... bingo. she tols me the things i thought she would say to me. shit! how now??? ohh me godd. can i see them alone?? fuck. why can't i see them alone? ass. whatever shit. i'll go no matter what. worse come to worse i tell them mummy cannot make it there tomorrow. yarhh.. that's it i guess.

hmm, waiting for bevan's call now. stupid idiot. playing golf. ass. don't care lahh. MY SCHOOL STUFFS. fuck. so annoying. irritating. haix.. don't know lahh. so fan. hmm.. what should i do mann?? fuck lahh. all i'm thinking of now is what the fuck am i going to do with my studies. sians. life sucks. might as well die earlier. better. no need to suffer. whatever lahh..

and.. my mind is still thinking of what the person in my tagboard said.. it's so unfair for me. i really wonder who the hell is that person.. actually.. i thought of kaishi.. but i know she won't do this to me.. cause she will tell me personally. and i choose to believe it's not her. cause i know she will understand me better than anyone else. so i thought it might be a guy who does that. standing at the point of zac's view only and not mine.. it's not kaishi.. definitely not her. i know no matter what, she won't do this to me. yes. so who the hell will this person be? steven?? steven won't do this also.. darren? he don't even know what the fuck is going on. then? simong? i doubt it's him.. then who?? i don't know. i guess i'll wait.. wait for this 'friend' of mine to come to me and say.. ' i'm the one in your tagboard '. bevan said it might be three different person.. zac.. and two other person.. could it be zhuang sen? can't be. i don't know who.. but i hope that person will come to me and let me know who is he/she. yes. i wanna know who are you...

well, hope zac is fine now.. cause last night we had an arguement on msn. and we turn each other off.. ended upp scolding each other and stuff. all thanks to the person who tag in my tagboard. thank you for all the TROUBLE you brought to me and zac. -sacarsm.- whatever.

hmm.. i'm hungry.. waiting for mummy to buy food for me? i guess so. yarh.. feel like going to esplanade now.. well.. hopefully i can go later. =_= yupps. just don't feel like staying at home. haix.. also.. fromwhat the person said in my tagboard.. he/she makes me feel like leaving inline culture. i never like people to hate me. and that person said until like that already.. i don't have the heart to stay on anymore. terry spoke to me last night. and said that zac asked him if he should ask me for patch. and what terry told him is what i want zac to know.. he said.. " if you can accept her for who she is, then go ahead. " thank you terry.. for letting him know this. this is what has been in my mind. well, i don't wish to badmouth zac.. but now.. i guess i have to explain myself regarding the whole matter. what has happened and stuffs. i'm not going into the whole details. but i'll write down what exactly happened. it all happen when zac return from sabah..

this is the truth and if you don't believe, that's your problem. if you have doubt, ask wilson or maria. they're with me all the while.

i didn't get to fetch zac from his return.. and on the day itself.. i was suppose to meet zac for a CO concert at singapore conference hall. i told him about this before and he said he'll go with me before he left for sabah. however, when he came back, i guess it was his tiredness and also because of what he heard about james. maybe from maria or something. that james is a muay thai champion.. and he talk to me on the phone.. telling me he wanna thrash james flat.. and i was like, just woke upp from my sleep.. and when i heard that.. i was like, what the fuck? he didn't even see james before. basically, he doesn't even know james. and he told me all those things. so i was pissed. and i started talking to him in a pissed tone. and he was unhappy that i talk to him in that kind of tone. then when i ask him for the last time if he wanna go for the concert or not, he said no. and i say okay. if you don't wanna go then don't go. and because i said this, zac thought i don't want him to go on purpose. well, i didn't mean that. he misread my words. end upp wilson part 2 managed to convinced him to go for the concert and countdown. and so he came along. i was informed about this also. so meet upp with maria, wilson and zac at tanjong pagar. and when we go to the concert hall.. cause we're late. so i walked faster to get the tickets from mr jais. and the three of them were far behind me. it's because we're late, and the concert is starting soon.. that's why i leave first. i mean.. go off faster.then when we're in the concert hall.. i tried to talk to zac.. but he ignore me. and i ask him.. you angry is it? then he was like, nod his head.. and he wasn't talking to at all. so i leave him alone. and i talk to maria. basically, the concert is fucking boring lahh. i never like to go concert of CO unless i'm with my friends, who will make me feel nice going there. zac wanted to sleep. so i tell him not to do that cause it's rude. then he was like, giving me attitude. then he swing my hand away when i wanna hold his hand. then fine, i don't hold. end upp i was pissed at him. you may call it as i'm doing it purposely or i'm just bored. in fact, i'm bored.. so i messaged bevan, tell him that me and zac quarrelled. and zac happen to see me messaging. and bevan just ask me what we quarrel over. then i say over some stupid and retarded stuffs. just then, zac wanted to check my phone (something i hate him to do).. he insist. so i got no choice but to let him see my phone. and he took my phone and left the concert hall.. so all of us follow him. and he started asking me who is bevan and stuffs. so i say it's friend. and he ask me why i tell him that he's (zac) retarded. then i say it's not you.. it's the quarrel i'm referring to. and he started saying why i message him and stuffs. and ask how long have i known bevan. and i answer him. that's all about bevan's side. -full-stop- and the next one was about LT's message. cause some of my message asked LT to go out with me on the drinking night. but LT didn't go.. okay, this is my fault. my intention was actually to meet upp with LT cause i didn't see him for very long and just wanna catch upp on how's he. and LT ask me i can thon outside already and so i say yarh, why? you wanna ask me go out thon is it? jokingly. i didn't know when zac read that.. his reaction will be so huge. he started to question be one by one and read through all the messages i had with LT. then he was pissed. and i slowly get pissed also. then i ask him to return me my phone. he don't want. so i try to snatch it back from him and stuffs.. and because he don't return me my phone. i was totally pissed and started shouting at him and told him things like ' i can live without you ' and stuffs. and ask him to give me back my phone cause i'm leaving him. i got no time for him and stuffs. then he was like, now you wanna break with me because i check your phone? and i'm like, i can't stand it anymore. you always treat me like a criminal.. checking every single thing i do. i had enough. i don't like all these things. and i keep asking him to give me back my phone.. also, i tell him i don't belongs to him and my mom don't even do these kind of thing to me, what right does he have to do this to me. i was super pissed and truefully speaking, i feel like slapping him. but i didn't. maria was trying to cool me down and wilson trying to cool zac. after he checked all my messages and stuffs. he started questioning me again. and i told me sorry about LT's thing and as for the rest, i don't owe him a living, i don't owe him any explaining. and that day.. all he wanna know was why me and LT message like that. that's all. -full-stop- then he left after throwing my phone on the grass patch. i was damn pissed at him for doing that. i was like, fuck you cheebye. and he ran off. i didn't run after him.. wilson tried but zac ask him not to follow. so wilson didn't. maria was with me, asking me not to be so pissed and stuffs. and only when we were crossing the i realise that my finger was cutted.. probably when i was trying to snatch my phone from zac then his nail cut me finger. and it was bleeding. then maria accompany me to the toilet to wash. yupps. then wilson was with zac all the way.. then we thought they're in the mrt station so we went to find them..but they're not there. so maria called james to ask where were they.. cause we're supposed to meet for the countdown. it was long ago when we agreed to meet for countddown. but james wants me to tell zac personally that we're going to meet them.so we called zac. but wilson picked upp. then he told us that they're not in the station. so we went out to find them.. when we foud them.. zac ask ' i thought that james wanna talk to me? where's he? ' it was a wrong message pass to zac by wilson. so maria tell him that james wants US (me and maria) to tell you(zac) personally. then zac don't seems to be able to get this into his head.. and he keep thinking that james hum ji, don't dare to talk to him.. well, it started off with this misunderstanding. then zac say we'll go meet them. so when we were walking back to the mrt station. then.. maria tell wilson to tell zac that he mustn't give trouble. -this is what james said- but maria add on saying -if not later james will call people- this is what maria said, not james. cause she's just worry. but zac heard what she say and he was pissed. and that's why he started calling his friends. asking them to come down etc. and maria was pissed by then.. so vulgarities started coming out and stuffs. end upp we still go and meet james they all. but due to the crowd.. we can't meet them on time. then cause it's raining. we were stuck at bus-stop. but we left.. leaving zac behind all alone. it's my fault. i should have look for him. but.. i didn't.. cause i was pissed at him and he already said he insist on fighting with james. we left him there cause don't want him to fight with james and give trouble. end upp.. we finally meet upp with james they all at carl's jr. then we go and watch fireworks. i receive zac message only after the fireworks.. asking me to go over to his place before 12. but it's already past 12. o i stayed with maria they all. and we hang out aroung esplanade area until around 2 plus. then when we finally say go back. i receive zac message telling me he was still at the same place. so i went to find him. then he tell me he's going home when i was there looking for him. actually, he was home long ago. like whatever? i was pissed at him for lying to me. then i went back to find maria they all. and cab to wilson's house. melissa send us there. and at wilson's house.. me and zac had a big fight.. and at there, i break up with zac. cause i seriously can't stand it anymore.. on the phone.. he keep calling me a bitch.. a slut.. a loose woman and stuffs. times and again he call me that.. times and again he say i brng so much unhappiness to him.. and i really couldn't take it anymore. at first, i was only asking for a short break.. to cool myself down from my anger.. but he don't allow. and keep forcing me choose between yes or no. yes to continue, no to break.. and because i can't take it anymore things of him calling me names like that.. i choose no. and i don't wanna be treated like a criminal anymore. so i said.. i choose no. and i say i give up. and i cried after telling him all those hurtful words.. which not only hurts him.. but also myself.. and that night.. i keep drinking.. until i was tired.. it's about 7am. i drink one shot and make myself drunk. and sleep. until 11 plus. and i go home. and bevan was actually nice enough to console me.. talk to me and hear me out.

and after that.. everything happens and i don't wish to continue saying.. this is the whole story about why me and zac broke upp. i'm sad.. but.. like i tell myself.. i have to learn to let go.. no point holding on to sadness.. and i don't know why the hell zac actually tell kaishi everything about bevan and not about LT's message.. fuck. he's out to go against bevan.. isn't it obvious? ohh my godd. can't stand it. arGhhH! whatever lahh.. everything is my fault lahh.. blame me for all i care now. you guys have prejudice towards me or bevan.. it's total madness. you all aren't even there that night and fucking don't know anything. and you all just listen to one side story.. and can't be bothered to find out what's the truth.. and just blame me like this. go ahead.. i don't care now.. only my true friends understand me. you all don't and i don't blame you all. but leave me alone from now onwards. don't disturb me anymore. and i repeat myself for the LAST TIME..

IT WAS ZAC WHO SAID ME AND HIM CAN'T BE FRIENDS. DON'T BLAME ME FOR NOT TALKING TO HIM.

yarh.. now i feel better.. after saying everything out. :) yes. i guess that's all for now. and ohh yarh.. just to remind the readers.. the story is not in detailed.. i just write the main things. the small stuffs i didn't put in like who he call and stuffs. okays, i'm done for today's entry. :) bye bye. :)