lost... what am i to do? i don't know.

i'm feeling lost.. i don't know what i should do.. today.. zac told me that he's gonna give upp waiting for me.. right at that moment.. i felt sadness.. but after thinking for a while.. i told myself that maybe it's good for him.. cause to me, he's suffering now.. missing me yet i'm not going back to him.. haix.. maybe all these while.. i've been putting on a strong front.. so that everyone won't have to worry about me.. in fact, i'm feeling lost.. feeling down.. especially after bevan left.. he has always been there to guide me. but now he's gone.. and i'm lost.. very very lost.. or maybe confused i should call it. well, whatever it is.. it's part of life and i have to get through this.. hopefully i can.. hopefully........

to: zac
sorry zac.. though i missed you and stuffs. but for now, i know we're not meant to be.. maybe years later.. when things got better or what.. and if we're really meant to be.. fate will bring us back. sorry.. please take good care of yourself and please be happy. i can always be there for you as a friend.. and please know that.. whatever that has happened.. i no longer hate you for anything. so please take care. maybe i'm selfish.. but i'm sorry. i know i can't make you wait and you can't get anything. so now, i'm telling you.. let go of me.. and make yourself a happy person ever after. bye zac......

love,
kat

well, my PMS days are here. sick + moodiness + sadness + menses. everything come at one go. god bless me for the rest of my days. amen. haix.. move on? i'm trying to. anyways, terry has gotten all my stuffs from zac's place. i'm gonna collect them tomorrow. well, life sucks when PMS is here. whatever. down side of life.. everybody meets that.. but who can all face it positively? not everyone. i'm trying to.. but i guess i didn't make it. haix.. what to do? i'm not a strong girl in emotional. trying hard to stay strong.. but seems not right. i need miracles that can help me pull through this time. i seriously need miracle. i'm always told to live life to the fullest.. but in life.. there're always so many things to do, so many things to face. who can actually live their life to the fullest? time is always not enough. and we're fighting for time. can't we make the days longer? can't we turn the clock back to where we were last time? i doubt we can. i'm living in a world where only reality exist. i'm not in fairytales where everything i imagine exist. i want very much to live in my imaginations.. but how on earth is it possible? on the day i die i guess. no doubt.

just came home not long ago.. went to east coast for a while.. before that went to shop.. and saw darren and zac. they're having some discussion. and i was doing my things. asked zac if he's going to east coast and he say he isn't. so i left. before that he was telling me that he's not gonna go home for some days. well, hopefully he's alright. went to east coast.. meet steph at gelare to pass her the book that she wanted me to help her borrow from yishun library. then.. accompany her to the carpark and wait for her dad to fetch her. then i went to the rink to skate a while. the rink was so empty. maybe.. i'm feeling empty.. memories of me and zac skating in the rink flashed back. but i told myself not to think about it. it's hard.. memories just keep flashing back.. the times we spent there. the stuffs we do there. learning slides.. learning figure.. learning slalom. everything flashed back. ohh my god, i think i'm gonna break down soon. life isn't going the right way now.. i'm looking for the right point where i can make a turn to the right path.. i'm lost.. in a place where i don't belongs. only myself can help myself to get back on track.. but i'm lack of time. i'm fighting to move on.. while circumstances stop me and i can't move on.. well, this is a life of human beings. sometimes i really hate being a human.. why can't i just not be born on this earth and be something else? or maybe.. not be anything... i'm seeking for a place where i can fit myself in nicely.. but it seems hard to find. or maybe it doesn't even exist.. just like i'm seeking for needle in the deep ocean, which is so impossible. the quote " where ther's a will, there's a way " seems not applicable to me. i have a will to move on.. but there isn't a way.. well, two words, life sucks.

i'm being pessimistic now. trying to make the impossibles in my life possible. it's hard, i know. but who knows.. maybe.. maybe one day i succeed. but then.. it takes a long time to do so.. and how long will it takes? god knows. well, i guess i'm being too pessimistic now.. sorry to those who's reading my blog.. i guess i should end here. bye.