Past.

i miss the past.. when i was just a cheerful girl, wherever i am. whatever i do. i'm always smiling. and nothing will be able to bring me down. i hope to be like what i was that time. being the innocent and cheerful me. being happy all the time. as compared to now, i feels as if i'm living in a place, worse than hell.

maybe i'm being emotional or whatever it is. but i just don't feel happy. i'm no longer the cheerful me. no longer the smiling princess. no longer myself. life seems to be getting tougher. tougher and tougher. like, omg, i'm only 20 and i have this kind of thinking. well, life sucks, somehow.

zac said it's not good to be with someone whom i just know for four days. i'm not offended by that. i was pretty alright with the idea. i don't mind. even though bevan and i had age difference. i don't mind. cause at that point of time, we're happy. and he's really nice to me. that's all i need to know. and if he said being with someone i know for four days is not good.. how about him? what did he did in october 2004. the first betrayal. the first break up. he know it himself what he has done. i don't wanna mention so much now. if mine is not good. what is his?

but whatever about me and bevan, is already the past. i've gotten over it and there's nothing left behind. i've tidied my feelings, pack them all and left them aside. there's nothing left anymore. he's just a friend to me. nothing more. or the most, just a brother to me. like how i've always been treating ben. i don't like zac to compare himself with bevan. don't like him to criticise him. cause it only shows me the bad side of himself. he always tell me to have a 'big heart' ( forgive and forget ) yet he himself is not doing so. and i don't find a need for him to always do so. he doesn't have the need to feel threaten by bevan's return. he doesn't have to worry. cause when i know what i want. no one can change my decision. don't suspect me. suspecting me only makes me feels this relationship lacks of trust, which is the most essential element in a relationship. if a relationship don't have this element. we might as well not be together. without this, happiness will never last.

never understood why.. why must he always do this in front of me purposely? why must he always mention about him this and that in front of me. trying to remind me about him? trying to make me remember him? or trying to make me find back the feelings for him? don't try to do all sorts of funny things to me. else you'll only make yourself regret.

* i shall continue when i come home. zhuzhu is waiting for me at sembawang..