am i your stress or happiness?

i just read zac's blog.

Kat, even tho we patch after all, i felt something is missing.. i dun feel much love for u like last time.. maybe u r angry becos i saw something i shldnt know, but i didnt blame u for not telling me.. i had forgive u.. reason being i love u.. Cant u tell hw much i need u? To keep u by my side, i had changed for u.. i dun raise my voice.. i give in.. i spend more time with u.. i take initiative to call u.. all i hope is that u will appreciate what im doing for u.. cant u see the diff in me?? i had been very nice to u!! what did i get back in return?? all your scolding.. your black faces.. ignoring me.. the coldness towards me.. im wondering.. we patch is it becos of u pitying me?.. yes.. im pathetic.. i cant get over u.. i cant fall in love with any other gal.. im so weak..mentally.. pls.. all i wan is simply u talking to me nicely, dun raise your voice at me & allow me to ask question.. i will definitly appreciate it alot. Pls treat me as your loved one, not your dog.

rite now my onli worry going in ns is.. will u even wait for me?.. The answer is very impt to me.. i dun wanna get hurt when im in army.. that kind of feeling is unbearable. Pls assure me with an answer.. an pls stop telling pp we got no future.. if that what u think, no one will see a future in us. I wan to know that u really love, really wish to stay by my side forever.. cos i only wish to love u..

sry.. im jus feeling not very gd.. i need rest..

above in blue, is what he has written. and now, i think i should give him a reply. the first highlight " don't feel much love for you like last time. '' well then, why are you wanting us to patch and keep telling me how much you love me and stuffs? are you actually lying anyway? and, i wasn't angry with you for reading my chat logs and knowing what has happened between me and bevan. i'm okay with it. cause i know all along, your only purpose of viewing my chat logs is just to find out what has happened between me and bevan. i don't bother deleting my chat logs.. cause i know there shouldn't things i should hide. whereas you, delete away chat logs to hide things from me. and i find it stupid when you ask me to be truthful yet you're not. i find myself a stupid fool to believe everything you say. BUT! never mind. i believe god will be fair to me. whatever you've done.. god will give me what's mine too. so long as i'm clear conscience, i will be fine with it.

okays, now the second highlight. " you will appreciate what i'm doing for you ". let me ask you, when one is appreciative, do you know? like last time, when i do almost everything on earth, hoping you will appreciate and cherish me more.. what happened? now that you are the one who is doing things and you grumbles about me not being appreciative? ha. maybe love is blind. until you can't tell whether i'm appreciating you or not. maybe when one is only thinking about their own feelings, they can't see others tiredness.. they can't tell whether the other party appreciate them or not. i've been through this stage where i only spare a thought for myself. but now i've opened upp and is trying hard to spare a thought for others. maybe, zac, you're impatient. well, now, all i can do is.. try to forget about the past and be happy with you. maybe until the day IF we part once more, then you will realise i actually appreciated you. maybe..

well, listneing to " open arms " now.. getting emo.. =_= and the next song is " when you believe "

okay.. now the third highlight. " we patch is it because you pitying me? " well, zac, i'm not. and if your mind is always brooding about what i told you last time, i seriously see no point for me to explain. and i find it useless.. cause no matter what i tell you, how i explain.. i'm just wasting my time.. cause you keep thinking about the past. well, i admit. i do think about your past.. but i always ask myself to keep it to myself for as long as i can. but do you realise whenever we argue or whatsoever.. you will mention why am i like this or like that.. and sometimes you even mention the past. and at that point of time, do you even jolly well know i could mention your past too? you said i talked about the past. yes i do. but who mind about the past most? you! so do you think my explainations will works on you? ha. i doubt so. i was disappointed. with what you always write in your blog. what you tell me and what you blog down seems to be different in some ways. am i wrong to trust you again? are you lying to me again? i don't know. if you are lying to me again.. i think i'm really the most stupidest girl on earth, like what bevan scolded me. what more can i say? we've patched for some time already. yet you wanna think i'm pitying you. ha. go ahead and have your own thinking then. i'm tired of explaining. i just don't wanna be thinking of all the questions you always like to ask me. i hate to think and I TOLD YOU BEFORE.

anyway, just heard " i'll be loving you forever by damage." now is " truely madly deeply by savage garden "

here in your arms playing now. ha. =D well, now, my fourth highlight. " please treat me as your loved one, not your dog. " i seriously hate it when someone whom i treat as a boyfriend tells me i treats him like a dog. which part of me actually written " MY BOYFRIEND IS MY DOG! " ?? like, what the fuck? if i treat you like a dog then why i bothers meeting a dog? going out with a dog? club with a dog and even eat with a dog? like what the hell lahh. now i seriously wonder.. why is he always blogging about the sad times he had with me? is it because he wanna tell the world i'm toturing him? or tarnishing my name again like years ago? woah.. i'm the dumbest dumb ever. hahas. well, my mood now - UNSTABLE AND A LITTLE PISSED. i don't know why am i pissed.. perharps is because of what zac always write in his blog. he make the world feel that i'm ill-treating him.. and to ask myself this question, " kat, can you tolerate all these during this one month agreement? " my answer is IF THIS KIND OF THINGS HAPPENS EVERYDAY.. I RATHER GO AND DIE. CAUSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. whoo.. feel better now.. after replying. :) cause normally i will just read and keep my mouth shut. but this time round i can't take it anymore. :) zac, it's not i don't let you ask questions.. is sometimes the questions you ask, i don't feel like replying. and you will keep asking until i finds it a total irritant. if i don't wanna answer you, just stop sking the same question. and i guess things will be better. it's okay if you ask things ONCE. not keep REPEATING. it'll become irritating then. maybe things will be better between us when you know how to stop asking me question the second time when i don't feel like answering. and remember, I DON'T LIKE TO BE FORCED.

hmm, here is the last highlight. " will you even wait for me? " aHH! i will NEVER answer this question. not to any guys. cause if i say yes i'll wait then it's a promise. it's because i don't know if i can wait. now, we're talking about two years lohh. not two months lehh. two years later.. i'm 21 years old. most probably busy with my work and stuffs. and when he come out from army.. he will get his job. and maybe he's in love with another girl then. then what? i freaking wasted my two years waiting for you? wait for you to come out from army and see you with another girl? ohh my godd. no way please. i will never promise any guys when they ask me this question before they go for NS. if you ask if i can wait for you to come back from a holiday.. okay lahh. this kind of course can. after you come back you can accompany me again.. but NS is different. it's totally different. last time i used to worry a lot about zac going to NS. but then i realised.. no used worrying.. cause i don't know what will happen in the future. so better not think about what will happen. the best is to cherish every moment i had with him. that's all i ask for.

" the reason " playing now. hahahahas. :) nice song. and now, zac, i'm telling you.. enjoy the days you have with me. no point seeing into the future when you don't even know what will happen. what comes may. all i hope for now is both of us cherish the times we had together. as simple as that. your enlistment wasn't a nice news to me either. but the date is coming nearer but we seems to have a lot more to do with not enough time. i rather you think of how are we going to complete the things we wanna do all along. not to always think of all these stuffs which i think is of no use thinking. so yeah, don't think about the rest of the stuffs bahh. just be happy with me when we're together. and remember, don't always ask me questions which i don't wanna answer. pointless asking. cause you'll just piss me off. sorry.. i'm being harsh. i wasn't in a good mood. and as for your latest post.. i guess i'm part of your stress. and i think you need a break from me too. okay. i will give you. i shall see you only after you've finish skating. cause right now, what you said was you wanna skate only. so okay. i'll give it to you. i won't bother you now. just remember to take care can lerx. happy skating then. 26 days to your enlistment. maybe i should let you skate for this 26 days. :) okays, can, if this is what you want. don't misunderstand what i'm saying here. i'm not adding stress to you. cause you say you don't have time to skate mahh.. so i'm giving you the time you want now lohh. if you want, you can always drop me a call and come and find me. if not you can go and skate the whole day. skate 24 hours also can.. just remember to eat can already. yupps. :)

okays. now, i'm done with zac. i mean, finish telling him what i wanna say. yupps. hmm, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I FUCKING DISOWN MY SISTER, GELINE LAW CHEE TING. cause i don't and no longer see her as my sister. she whacked my mom and that's the day i disown her already. i gave her one chance.. and if she ever touch my mom again.. to girls home she go. i don't give a damn about her. she's just a useless person in my eyes. like what my grandma says about her and abiel (her boyfriend.) which i think i should agree. all they know is to stay at my house.. eat what my mom bought.. and never appreciate what my mom did. fucking my mom have to buy food for them everytime they stay at home. can't they buy it themselves. no money? don't eat lahh. starve to death for all i care. i wished she can just die like that. cause i hate her. my mom buy food for them and they didn't even say thank you. i don't wanna even see her at home now. whenever she's at home, there will never be peace. she's just a trouble maker. i hope god shorten her live to HALF for whacking my mom. she deserves to die for that. yes she does. i hate her.. this is how bad it can be when i hate someone. she's just a piece of trash in everyone's eyes. she's NOTHING. cause she is a fucked upp person. yes she is. and she's NOT my sister. i don't know a person like her. my whole family, i only have two younger sister.. jiayi and jiamin. i don't remember having one more. :) yupps.

okays. i'm tired already.. and i'm hungry. i wanna eat! better go and find some food to eat first. :) then go and sleep lohh.. :) bye bye~ nights nights~