am i happy now?

now that zac left me. i should be feeling happy. but why am i upset? i don't know. my mind is fucked upp. what should i do? this time, it's my fault.

what happened was i found out he lied. and when i ask him. he continued with his lie. and so i got angry.. and want to leave. but he stopped me and ask me to stay. but i was too angry to even listen to his explainations. all i was thinking is to leave the place right away. i didn't want to listen to explainations. i'm too lazy to blog down what has happened. whatever it is, it's my fault. i called my mom and told her what happened. and she wants me home. but i stayed there and terry was with me all the way. drink a little. and zac left with henry. i know he's upset. and after i cooled myself down. and i think back. i know i'm at fault. but whatever it is. too late to say anything now. my mom say she don't want me to get back to him. she ask me to take this patch as he was taking revenge on me. ask me to forget everything. i can't believe this.. i was actually crying when i told my mom what happened. but when i was facing zac, listening to all the things he told me.. i can't believe i didn't cry. i was calm, listening to him. i can't believe i did all those things. i can't believe i still cry for him.

actually, zac changed a lot since we patched.. he was nice to me. i guess i wasn't convince enough that's why i wasn't nice to him. i've not been nice to him. it's my fault. i should be blame. he has been a nice boyfriend since the day we patched. i'll miss the feeling during this period of time.

zac, thanks for what you've done during this period of time. you've been a nice boyfriend. for once, i thought so. and it's a nice feeling. regarding what you've told me last night.. i'll take it as you said those things cause you're angry. and i want to let you know, for the past years we've been together.. i was really serious about you. never a day i have the thought of fooling around with you. now that this is happening between us, i believe fate has brought us here. i'm sorry for not letting you to explain. i'm sorry i was harsh. i'm sorry i made you cried. sorry for everything. please take care of yourself.

today, i went to tangjong pagar. was suppose to be there to get my permit done. but i was a little too late. so i gotta go back tomorrow. i spend the day walking around alone. after that i went to meet zac up. was suppose to return him his shirt. but i requested he go parkway with me. and so he did. at first he was reluctant. but he did in the end. i went to 77th street. got a billabong cap and belt. it was for zac. cause i owe him presents. so i bought him back. i returned all the presents i owe him today. but when i told him it was for him, he told me he wasn't interested. but still, i left the presents to him and left. after today, i might not be even seeing him anymore in the future. life's gonna get back to normal. i, going to work and stuffs. my mom called zac.. cause i told her what happened. and she told me what she told him. i kept quiet.. now, my family is all asking me to give upp. should i listen to them? i know everyone meant well.. but, feelings are hard to say. i may be able to move on, but not now.

i find myself sucks. i sucks. KAT SUCKS. I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BRING MISERY TO EVERYONE'S LIFE. zac.. bevan.. i brought misery to their life. and i make them revolve around my life. what the fuck am i doing? KAT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOW??? i'm confused. zac or bevan.. or neither of them? i don't know. how come things become like this? it's all my fault. solely my fault....

i guess i'm mad. i'm messing upp my life..

am i really happy now?

i'm mad.. i'm insane.