am i jealous?

don't know.

it just doesn't feel nice to know prince actually gave other people the same keychain he gave me. especially to people i don't really fancy. it's okay to know it's for steven and all. just don't feel good knowing someone else has it too.

jealousy? maybe. but all these years i've not really been a jealousy type. and if now i really do feel jealous, it means i really don't like that certain someone. yes people always says that when you get jealous, it means you care. but to me, caring doesn't mean you have to get jealous. that's why i haven't been much of a jealousy type.

probably i'm being selfish but who don't when it comes to relationship? those who said no are just deceiving themselves.

sometimes i just feel that i'm kinda lonely at times, even when prince is just right beside me. cause a lot of times, he'll just be too engross in his own stuffs and totally forget about my presence. and it doesn't makes me feel good about it. it makes me feel that i'm the only who really care about this relationship and he doesn't.

hais.. everytime i blog.. emo-ness somehow just slip into me. plus recently i'm just not feeling so good. a lot of things has been going through my mind and i don't seems to be able to handle. i don't wanna just break down like that. but to keep telling myself to be strong is also not the way. cause after all, i have my weak sides.

i'm not a person who really like to share a lot of my unhappiness. but when i do share, it means i'm really upset. my limit of upset is not just those feeling emo shits. it's those kind that when i really say everything out, i'm crying out at the same time.

been telling myself not to cry, have to be strong. especially the weeks when prince wasn't with me. all the more i told myself no, i can't cry. and now when prince is back.. i'm still telling myself not to cry, handle everything right. but somehow, the emo demon within me just doesn't wanna let me off. i feel that i can't take it for long anymore.

i'm losing my smiles, again. but not because of prince.

sometimes i really wonder. what's team elite for? for us to represent inline culture to go for competition and win medals? well, it seems like that. trainings are not really training. ohh, let me make myself clear. this is my own point of view. not anyone else.

once i requested to leave the team but all i got back was some comments and was asked to stay. but those comments are pressuring me. which i didn't really tell anyone, not even prince or my queen. now that i made a choice which i can't turn back.. or probably i can.. it's just whether i wanna do it or not. like i finally told prince how i felt last night, i'm not happy at all. after everything that has happened, i'm not happy. being here, feeling so empty. feeling so lonely and unhappy. i teared last night when i was on the phone with prince. but i asked myself to stop crying. i'm a big girl and big girls don't cry. but at that moment, i'm just so pissed and feeling so weak.

two years ago when i started sliding and got into demo team, that was the happiest time. i wish i could turn back time and go back to where it was. wish time could just stop there and never go any further. if i could make a choice, i would rather demolise team elite and have back demo team. the time when everyone is so happy, happier than now i'm sure. and at the very least, i wouldn't feel so stressed up because i have a mission to accomplish when i'm in team elite. 'ELITE' is just a nice name. but what does it really have? if i could choose, i rather not be in this team. i rather have everyone NOT classified into different teams.

feeling unhappy, really unhappy. and whenever i'm unhappy, the thought of going to club will just be in my mind. and yes, i'm going to club tonight. by hook or by crook. i need to let out my frustrations and unhappiness before i really can't take it. i just feel that i'm not myself anymore. for the past one month, i haven't been really happy. or rather, not happy at all. and all i did was just look happy and pretend i am. which sucks. cause this is so not me.

anyway, pris and eric is going to ROM soon. congratulation! it's suppose to be a happy thing. but my current mood isn't bringing me the happy feeling. sorry love, don't feel i'm not happy for you. i am. it's just that i myself isn't feeling happy. i'm glad you have eric and both of youis doing well.. being unhappy was just my own side.

ohh wait, why do i feel that i'm typing like sky? -.- emo shits and stuffs.

god, i need someone to cheer me up, really. when will ben be back? :( hais. i'm sorry, whenever i'm unhappy, ben will always be in my mind. anyway, he's gonna be back on the 20th. while bevan will be back on the 26th. i suppose i'm fetching ben. not very sure about bevan though. shall see how it goes.

hais. feeling so heavy on my shoulder. someone bring this emo demon away from me please. i just don't wish to see myself like this. i'm no longer shining. i just feels so dull.. lifeless. shit.

i think i should just forget about other things now and think about enjoying myself tonight.

byebye!