i've yet to get over.. i just realised..

oh my god.. just until today.. then only i realised that.. i've yet to gotten over the ' lynn incident ' early this year.. i haven't got over it. i tried so hard.. but.. why.. i can't get over it?? i don't know. i know the problem lies on me. no one else but myself. i only got myself to blame. i can't say it's heaven playing tricks on me.. i can't say it's her fault. i can only blame myself. i tried hard to be closer to her. i really tried.. i didn't know that losing to her in this competition makes me feel totally different. i thought i would be fine. but no, i didn't. i feel very upset. very very disappointed with myself. what the fuck am i doing on the competition day? i fucking did nothing good. i admit. i lose to her is not because i can't do the slides. but lose to my own emotions. i lost to my own nervousness. i lost to myself. but i don't feel nice. i shouldn't be defeated just like that. i know i shouldn't. i could have done better. i know, everybody who lost thinks the same. but.. my feelings is much stronger than just a ' wah! sians i lost ' it's like a ' fuck, why did i lose to her? ' then only i realised, i didn't want myself to lose to her. but i can't deny she's doing well that day. though her slides are simple. but she didn't fall. and i fell so many times. i hate myself to the core when the result was announced. though i myself know that i won't be the top 3 anymore. but i don't feel good. the feeling sucks. i don't like. and so i promise myself. i'm going to work harder the next competition. i will win back my medal and.. i will maintain my rank. only going up ad not down anymore. yes.

[[ a promise to MYSELF ]]

zac makes me feel insecure. partly because of lynn. partly i guess it's myself. i'm paranoid. i guess i am. like i said, i can't get over the ' lynn incident '. sometimes when i see lynn get close to zac, i don't feel nice. but all along, i kept quiet. until today, i can't take it anymore, i told ivan when we're on the way back. and told zac just now, by message. but he didn't response. i know he got my message. but he don't want to response. i don't know. i'm feeling confuse now. arghh!! this feeling sucks can! so fuck upp. nabeh. i was very moody today. i suppose it's due to the lack of sleep.. then i saw zac not wearing our couple ring, and so i ask him why is he not wearing cause he was the one who say the ring mustn't be remove unless we're completely over or it means we have no more feeling for each other. but the reaction i got from him was, ' why should i wear ' kind. and when he answer me, he totally make me feel that he has someone else in mind. i feel so lousy right at that moment. and my mood started to become bad. and after that, i'm like that the whole day. i feel so disappointed. maybe like terry say, it's because he really likes someone else. just like what he told terry to do, two-timing. i can't and never will accept my boyfriend to two-time me. if ever this is truth, i will choose to let go and never return. cause i don't like the feeling of being betrayed. it sucks. i feel cheated. totally cheated.. by the man i love most. ARGHH!!!!!! fuck upp days!!!

okays. i'm gonna stop teaching for the coming month. december. i gotta prepare for exam and get myself some rest before i go back and teach again. i had enough of last-minute stuffs. time to take a break. time for kit-kat. hahas. lols. cracking jokes when i'm unhappy. how encouraging? lols. okays. i can't catch up with my works already. need to spend time studying already. yes i need to. or i'll fail mann. i don't wanna repeat. i don't want. :X so, i'm taking a break. i will tell darren tomorrow. yes i will.

okays. i got a lot of things to be done but got not enough to all at a time. yarh. sians. list are the followings..

1. study and study.
2. pass my term test fantastically.
3. buy seba frame (219).
4. improve my sliding.
5. learn slalom.
6. learn figure.

so far, i guess these are the ones bahh. but i think top 3 will be my main priority. but still, studies come first. no study, no certification, no work. yes.

i'm tired already.. wanna sleep already.. nights.