back to blog. yarh. i don't really have the mood for blogging. haix. ever since.. i change my url? yarh. i'm feeling unhappy. yesh i am. but i dont know why. i have been questioning myself. but i can't get my answer. -_- i wanna break free.. to a whole where i can be happy all the time. i want this life. i want my life to be like that. no worries.. no thinking. no sadness and no unhappiness.. i wanna be someone who is free from everything. i wanna to lock in a room.. all by myself.. no contact from the world outside. totally no contact at all.. just by myself. yes. just by myself. :(
i don't wanna think so much. i wanna reject everything. reject whoever is trying to get close to me.. reject whoever wanna be nice to me.. reject whoever wanna shower care and concern on me.. reject whoever wanna ask me why and what happened.. i wanna runaway. i wanna runaway. runaway from trainings.. runaway from unhappiness. runaway from everything. runaway from home.. runaway from friends. runaway from school and runaway from work. i can't take it anymore. i had enough. enough of stress coming from whichever side. i don't wanna care. i don't wanna know. i don't wanna be involved. i wanna be someone without responsibilities. i wanna be someone with no worries. i wanna let go.
-[sudden thought in me. i don't know what's wrong with me.]- +leave me alone. yes leave me alone.+
i have been missing school.. didn't attend school lesson.. missed 5 EG2 lectures. 9 hours of practical for MTPRAC, and tutorials. and etc etc. i have no heart to study anymore. i feel like quiting school. i don't wanna study. i just wanna relax my mind now. i don't wanna think so much. be it lying down on the grass and watch the stars or just sitting by the beach to feel the breeze.. i just want something relaxing. i just don't wanna think so much. i want everything to be out of my mind. i don't wanna think anymore. perharps.. my relationship with zac has caused me to feel something - stress.
yarh. me and zac.. got back together?? i don't know. i want to know whether we are or not. but, he's giving me a feeling that going back to him is somehow the wrong choice. i don't know. i just feel like breaking free. from everything that has happen around me. i don't wanna think. don't wanna have worries in mind. just wanna relax. that's all. *RUNAWAY* i guess i will be missing from Inline Culture for some time. my turn to MIA. yes it's my turn.. i need a break. i need a rest. i don't wanna be disturb anymore. not even zac. i just want my girls to be with me now. they're the source of my laughters now. they're the source of my happiness now. yes they are. until the day i think it's time for me to return to the team. then only i will go back. staying in the team now will only disgrace the team. i shall leave for a while. i shall stay away for a while. yes i should. i've decided.. i'll go out on this friday. and maybe skate during weekdays. weekends is out bahh. i just wanna stay at home for this week. no training. no working. yes. nothing but at home.
don't know. i didn't go for work on sunday. cause i not feeling well. plus i'm not in the mood to teach. so i didn't turn up that day. i know my act is irresponsible. i know i shouldn't do that. but.. i don't know. i'm speechless. i can only say sorry. i don't wanna teach for now. i don't feel like teaching for now. i need a break. i seriously need a break. i need to be free from all these loads. i can't cope now. i really can't cope anymore. i need to breakaway.. i just wanna fly freely like the birds in the sky. i just wanna feel loved.. i wanna be pampered. i wanna be really loved.. by zac.. by my girls. by all my dearest friends. and my mom. my mom.. she hasn't been well.. and i'm worried. she has been having problem with her legs and she's complaining. she gotta go to the hospital now for treatment. what should i do? she's in pain and yet i can't help her much. and i throw temper at her today just because i'm moody.. i'm crazy.. i'm mad. i must be nuts. what the hell are you doing kat!!!! you should just go and die lahh. ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ohh my god. i'm going insane. i'm collasping. i need someone to give me a hug. i want a hug. a very tight hug. hold me tightly. i wanna cry. cry out loud and let all my feelings out. i can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!! i need a hug. to hold me back from sadness. but zac is not here. neither are my girls. and zac definitely don't know what i need now. he'll never know. like just now when i wanna talk to him on the phone.. he wanna hang up. he always ask me to call him when he's free.. talk to him when he's free. but he's either skating or playing maple. both of the things he do, he don't want me to call him. other than these two.. he'll be sleeping, working or out with his friends. when is his free time?? NO. DON'T HAVE!!!! he can't even spend time talking to me. he doesn't know what i need most at that period of time. calling him means i miss him.. doesn't he know that? calling him means i wanna hear his voice.. calling him means i'm troubled.. can't he tell?? he can't be that dumb right?? no he's not dumb. he's not. yes he's not. but why can't he understand what i need??? why can't he? oh my god. i'm really going mad.. going insane.
[[ LEAVE ME ALONE ]]
that's all. bye.
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