isn't everlasting love that you wanted???? haix..

well.. i can't sleep. and i stayed up the whole night.. sitting in front of the computer.. thinking of a lot of things. i don't know what should i do.. i feel very confused.. very very confused.. :

yarh.. last tuesday morning zac sent me an sms..

zac: ' i will try to give in to u'.. '

that's what he told me.. and i said..

kat: ' do you need more time to think about it? i'm not rushing you. '

and i never get a reply.. yarh.. well.. what can i do? nothing.. yarh.. nothing.. i miss him.. dearly.. but all i can do is, tell myself to release.. tell myself to learn to let go.. to myself not to be stubborn this time round.. however.. i don't seems to be able to do it.. my heart just forbid me to do so.. forbid everything.. haix.. what should i do? i don't know.. i yearn for an answer from zac.. but at the same time.. i don't want things to repeat again and again.. i'm getting sick and tired of everything.. sick and tired of our quarrels.. from betrayal to lies.. to empty promises.. to him falling in love with other girls and hurting me.. and expecting me to accept the girls he liked before.. why must i do all these? i could have jolly well be like him.. hate whoever liked me before, whoever i liked before.. whoever was close to me before.. i need not accept the girls he liked before.. but why? why do i actually listen to him all these while? because i love him? that somehow seems to be an excuse rather than a reason. yarh. though having said so.. i couldn't think of other reason why.. i couldn't think of.. haix.. i asked myself many times, what do i like about him.. why do i wanna stay with him.. why must i do so much for him? what future do i have with him.. why should i carry on with him? i don't know.. all i know is that i really love him and i wanna take care of him... yarh.. that's what i wanna do.. haix.. is loving a person really so hard? is trying to stay with the person you love deeply really so hard? is eternity really that far from love? why is it that love is not possible to be devoted, trustful and everlasting? why ain't they possible? why??

simon told me love isn't fairytales.. then what are they? i know reality and fairytales are of two different things. but all these while i thought i could have an everlasting relationship with zac.. i remembered, before we got together, zac asked one question;

zac : ' will you give me everlasting love? '

kat : ' yes. '

my answer was fast and straightforward.. isn't that what he wanted all along? isn't that what he look for in this relationship? i'm giving him what he wants.. but we don't seems to be able to compromise.. don't seems to be able to meet this in our relationship.. it seems to be hard.. really hard.. i don't know what i should do.. i feel so lost.. i thought by giving him everlasting devotion, love, we'll last till the end of our life.. but i seems to be wrong.. seems to be really wrong..

we broke up once, like now, on 1st November 2004, 2:53am. that time, i really thought we're gonna be over.. i hated him then.. cause the reason why we broke up was because he told me he feel like being alone.. that's why i initiated the broke upp.. to fulfil his wish.. but later i found out the next day he's with another girl.. if he wanna break upp with me is because he wanna be with that girl, he can just tell me.. there's no need for him to tell me he wanna be alone.. he no need to do that.. i will understand.. i hated him and was very angry with him ever since i found out the truth.. but what can i do at that moment? question him? yes i did.. but he deny that he has got a new girlfriend.. everyone knows except for me.. i'm so stupid to actually believe that he wanna be alone.. why am i so silly?? i don't know.. i only know i stupidly trusted all his words.. very stupid of me to believe his words.. haix.. i know i shouldn't rake upp the past.. but recently, i just couldn't help it but to think about the past so much.. what happened years ago.. i feel so hurt every time i think of the past.. and whatever that i've found out.. feel very very hurt.. feel very very sad.. i don't know why.. i can't feel anything except for sadness. i know relationship should be a happy one.. but mine is full of sadness.. even after promise of never to treat me the same way on 18 December 2004, nothing change.. except for the first two months after we patched.. he treats me really well at the beginning.. but after that was really not.. he's back to the usual him.. he's back to the one who always like to find fault in me.. find quarrels in us.. sometimes i really couldn't take it and i wanted to separate.. but each time i ask for it, he said he'll not do it again and want me to give him a chance.. alrights.. i trust him.. so i gave him the chance.. but he broke my heart again and again.. should i really give him and myself another chance this time round? he said he's thought through.. should i give him the chance? i don't know.. i wanted very much to do so.. but.. i don't wanna feel hurt anymore.. i yearn for a stable relationship.. yearn for a promise of eternity.. yearn for a promise of love and devotion.. not betrayal.. not hurts.. can he really give me all these? i hope he can..

all along.. i know it myself, that there's no one else who can make me give the brighest smile and give me the happiness i yearn for other than zac himself.. he's someone who can cause great impact in my life. he cause my happiness, he cause my sadness. my greatest happiness came from him but at the same time, my greatest sadness is also caused by him.. he forms my entire life circle.. sorry my dearest friends.. i know you guys have been saying i'm stubborn and wilful.. yes i admit i am.. but.. forgive me, i can't control my love for him.. i can't control at all.. it's beyond my control.. he made me a person who needs him so much, who rely on his presence. sorry friends. i'm really sorry... forgive me.. and understand that i need him very much.. sorry..

now, i guess, all i need is time for myself to accept him once more. i know that i wanna go back to him.. it's just a matter of time now. i know. nobody can ever replace him in my heart.. nobody.. and i guess i've shown it clear enough about this. yes. well, friends, if your're my friend, give me your support and help me to stand upp again. please? thank you..

well.. i'm kinda getting agitated now.. i guess i shouldn't say much now.. alrights. take care to all bahh.. :) i'll be fine.. don't worry. :)