hellos. finally back after so long.. so many things happened. feeling very terrible, very sad recently. haix. i don't know what i should do now. feeling so lost......
anyway, wanna wish him a happy 47th month anniversary again. though i wished him already. next month, it's our fourth year already. but.. i don't seems to really look forward to it. like, i'm afraid something bad might happen. haix. don't know lahh.. i have been quarrelling with him recently, which made me feel so insecured. like, this relationship might just burst like that. feel soo insecured. i don't wanna end this relationship, i cherish it very much. i want it very much too. but, why is he not doing the same thing as me? can he just give me all his love? stay devoted to me? like, i mean, other than me, no other girls.. i mean, NO. i cannot accept my boyfriend to be thinking of another girl or getting close to any girls. i hate to see that. even if the girl is close to me, no means no. i CANNOT accept. just like he can't accept me knowing other guy friends.
few weeks back, i was quite pissed with the group of IC people cause of what dada told me. he said he ask them how they find me cause they happened to talk about the 'new' IC faces. and HE said the IC people said my peersonality SUCKS. and i'm like, i don't believe his words. he say it was my close friends who said that. i was thinking, my close friends?? wilson or maria? but yesterday night i spoke to them on the phone and just so happen i ask about the incident, both of them wasn't there. so it won't be them. wilson also tell me that he talk about me in the shop as well, with one or two people. but wilson didn't really hear what the conversation is about cause he's busy with his shoe. i'm still thinking who else could this 'close friends' he's referring to. elbriena? she's not there. lynn? kaishi? reeve? steven? xiaozhu? greg? or who?? javier? sky?? i don't know. i was really pissed after listening to what he told me that night and this made not wanting to see the IC people. i don't like people to talk behind my back. you can always come to me and tell me what you thinks of etc but don't talk behind my back. i cannot tolerate backstabbing between friendship. he also addd on saying that the IC people say i'm very ''childish, stubborn, demanding and unreasonable.'' i'm like, i admit i'm very very stubborn and childish at times (cause it depends on who i'm with). but the other two.. not so much lohh.. i tried hard not to think about what he told me about what IC people say but.. i can't control my emotions. i feel sad whenever i think of what he told me. it's like, i treat you as FRIEND but what do you take me as?? a FOOL??? why must they betray my trust towards them? why must make me lose faith in them?? why must they turn our friendship sour?? why why why???????? i feel really stupid lohh. to be treated this way by the people whom you take and treat sincerely like friends. i feel that i've been cheated all these while, by the fake behaviour. it's so stunning to know that they faking themselves in front of me and say my personality sucks when i'm being who i am and NOT hiding my TRUE SELF. why? what's wrong with being myself? what's wrong?? why can't i be who i am?? ifeel so depressed. i feel so terribe. i feel so stupid. i feel as if i'm being fooled. i feel.... so betrayed. by the badmouth-ing from the IC people about me. what can i say? what else can i say? nothing.. nothing..
recently, me and him quarrel over the slightest thing on earth.. because i wanna stay in east coast and skate and he wants me to go home. then he got pissed cause i don't listen to him. then end up we quarrel over this. and now i don't seems to be able to talk things out with him cause he doesn'y want to. i used to think that if i learn skating and the quarrel between us will be lesser cause we get to spend more time with each other skating. but now when i know how to skate, our quarrel didn't get lesser but increasing daily. it's like, then what's thw use of me learning skating? i want him to be happy that's why i took up skating as my hobby. i used to hate skating and he knows it very well. and again, he's the one who makes me love skating now and yet, he quarrel with me over skating. what am i suppose to do? what does he wants me to do?? he has totally changed.. the zhanyu i know last time won't do all these thngs to make me sad. he'll only do anything to make me happy. not sad. who is he now?? is he still the zhanyu i used to know? is he still my zhanyu? the zhanyu who will always tells me how much he treasure me and love me? how come? why has he become like this? I WANT MY ZHANYU BACK!!!!!!!!!!! whoever is in him now, please leave him alone.. please.. this is how helpless i am now.. how helpless i can be just wanting to keep this relationship.. i want my zhanyu back.. my zhanyu..... :"(
i don't know what else to say already.. he's the only one in my mind now.. i can't think of anything else.. my mind is just him and only him........
i'm too vexed to think of anything else.. bye bye. take care to all.
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