swollen.

my eyes are swollen.
i wish it was from the Taiwan show i was watching that moved me and made me cry, but no. it's not.
i cried to sleep last night.
feeling so upset.

baby, i've failed to make you realise, yet again.
i've failed to make you understand and learn, yet again.
i don't know what else to do anymore.
i just can't sit here, not doing anything to make us better.
i just can't sit here, seeing you not doing anything to make us better.
i can't, i can't take it anymore.
i don't wanna be left hanging and not knowing what is gonna happen.
i'm tired. tired of being the only who's trying hard to fulfill the task of settling down.
and you, playing all the time, doing what you want to do without even sparing a thought for me or being responsible for what you've told me.
no baby, you've never. never ever even show me a little interest in what your so-called 'plans'.
i don't wanna just listen to your words and there's no actions at all.
no, i don't wanna hear no more.
i don't wanna sorries. no. cause none of them is sincere.
tell me, how?
how can i make you learn?
what can i do to make you understand?
what can i do to make you realise?
am i suppose to leave you, again?
so you could learn from that? so you could understand? so you could realise?
am i really suppose to leave you?
am i really that worthless as compared to your games?
am i really that incomparable to your games?
am i really not worthy for you to quit your games?
or have i really been nothing but air?
aren't you suppose to be my pillar of strength when i couldn't move on?
aren't you suppose to be my pillow for me to lean on when i'm tired?
aren't you suppose to be my teddy bear when i needed someone to just be there?
aren't you suppose to be just right beside me, when i'm feeling lonely?
no, baby. i feel that i'm no longer present in your life.
i'm nothing compared to your games.
i stand no where in your heart.
i feel just as lonesome even when you're just sitting next to me.
i feel emptiness even when you're holding my hands.
i feel insecure even when you're hugging me.
i've lost the trust, lost the faith and confidence to go on.
and yes. i feel like giving up. i want to let go everything, yet again.
cause, i've seen nothing in your promises. nothing..
i long to be close to you. but, sorry, you make me feel that without you, i'll still be doing fine.
you make me feel that, through all these, i could a much stronger girl.
teared for you, yet again and you never know how painful it was to see you not going anywhere but just playing all the time.
cause to you, my feelings, my thoughts, my pains will never surpass your interest for your games, or rather, the things you wanna do.
and since i can't make you realise and understand, i find it pointless to see you again.
cause i don't wanna be seeing you and all i see is you, in front of the computer and forgetting all about my presence.
i don't wanna be sleeping in the night alone, when i could have someone beside me, being my bolster for me to hug to sleep. and having myself in his arms and soundly fall asleep.
i don't wanna be viewed as air.
because i don't deserves all these.
if like what you said, i've become a burden, then i don't find it a point to stay.
if i've become nothing but just someone who stopped you from doing what you want, then i'm sorry.
from i what i see, you're not ready to settle down, like what you've been telling me.
you're no different from, over promise, under deliver.
you're no different from, no actions talk only.
the best solution now i feel is, we shouldn't see each other for the time being.
think, why am i making this decision.
my eyes, are watery as i'm typing all these.
but baby, i can no longer keep everything in me.
i'm going to collaspe if i do.
sorry, i'm taking my leave.

i'm sorry everyone. i've never been the girl that zac ever wanted me to be. and i won't just change because i have to change to someone you all think i should be.

eddy, i'm stubborn. you're right. cause i have my own ways of doing things and you know. you know, why am i so persistant about all these. you know why am i keeping quiet all these while. but i'm sorry. i won't change just because someone tells me to. and yes, you know it too. then all i can is, too bad, zac can jolly well find another girl whom you all think he should have. cause to me, whatever belongs to me, will always be mine. if it's not mine, no point doing so many things cause in the end, it'll still not be mine. and i always believe, everything happens for a reason. and the reason why me and zac is always like that, is probably because we're not meant for each other. i don't want to believe it. but who can show me this is not what god is telling me? we tried so many times but it always ended up being the same. he'll never understand and i'll never be able to feel secure. yes i know what's past is past. but it's also because i choosed to trust his words last time that's why i got myself hurt over and over again with the same thing he did. tell me how not to have phobia? tell me how to feel secure? tell me, how am i suppose to trust his words again? when he's not putting in any effort in whatever he told and promised me? it's tiring enough just to be nagging at him and teaching him from wrong to right. if he learns, it' okay but no, he don't. therefore, i guess what's best now is me, not seeing him for the time being. i'm not gonna give way for now. cause i don't want myself to suffer in the future.