-broken.

a broken trust. a broken love. a broken relationship. how do i salvage? how should i salvage?

sometimes, life seems to have a lot of harsh decision to be made. and those decision you made change your entire life. not a little bit but the ENTIRE!! making decisions is so important so you won't feel regret. but a bad point of me is that sometimes even though i know it's not right to make that decision, i stubbornly go against the wind and make the wrong decision. yet, unknowingly, troubles appear. is being soft-hearted a bad point? is being soft-hearted a wrong thing to do? how should i change this weak point of mine? how should i stop this weak point of mine? i wish i could.. i wish i really could.....

i used to believe in forever.. i used to believe in everlasting. but everything vanished, in just a split second. i thought my life could be easy.. but i doubt so now. i used to believe that as long as you love a person, to do what it takes to see the smile on their face is good enough. i seems to be a fool.. to be only sparing a thought for others instead of myself.. and right now when i spare a thought for myself first.. or rather all about myself, i'm being told i'm selfish, i never spare a thought for others. is this what life is? to make one feel so lousy basically almost everyday? for a long time, i've been living in a life which i have to put on a false front, just to see the smile from him.. keeping almost everything to myself just because i'm afraid i would make him worry.. make him feel irritated. and just so when i couldn't take the stress anymore.. i exploded.. why must you do this to me? i thought we were doing fine.. but.. i realised i've been forcing myself. forcing myself to do things that i don't like to do.. i'm not myself.. i'm no longer the cheesim i used to be when i was secondary one or even primary school. and when i question myself why am i doing all these.. the only reply i always give myself is because i love him. and i always believed i do.. however.. all i got back for the past years.. was backstabbing.. heartache.. disbelieve.. disappointments.. betrayals.. what more could i take? feel so vexed. i thought i could be smiling.. but i didn't.. what the heck is happening now? i messed upp my life..

' love doesn't come from being scared ' well said. but why am i still like this? i'm a bad girl.. i'm not sweet, i'm not lovely, i'm not cute, i'm not beautiful. i'm nothing.. nothing in every one's eyes. including zac. i'm nothing compared to other girls. sometimes i really wonder why am i born.. why am i on this earth.. why do i meet people.. why am i human. -i have a feeling of dying.

if a shooting stars were to appear right now, i'd pray for god to shorten my life and end my life soon. life is getting tougher and i doubt i could take it.. bevan, i'm weak, i admit. if you ever read my blog, i hope you know.. i'm weak.. in everything. -weak.

anyways, i just came back from batam with the skaters. well, i don't really enjoy myself. except for the part when we're playing with the outdoor activities. go cart and atv. and paint ball. only this three is fun. just a short recap on what i've done at batam.

first day:
leave singapore at 12:50pm. reach there around 1:50pm. eat our lunch and did a little shopping at hypermart. then head for the resort. and guess what? the whole resort.. seems to be only having us as their guest. -.- hell shit. gotta know roy's friends. they're okay from what i see. well, a little hostile though. well, first day only ivan, wilson, zac and me. -boring. they went to turi beach with the other group of people and i stayed behind to rest. hell boring.. but no choice. told zac i'll be there to accompany him.. so i'm there. well, from what i see, the three guys are all interested in a girl named tiffany. hmm, well, go ahead then. -not interested. the first impression the girls gave me was that they're not friendly. the guys were okay. well anyways, they're back around 9pm. after bathing eating and chiling at the chalet, we went upp to roy's chalet to drink. play poker cards and we were all drinking shots. -.- at first i was okay until i start to sleep. then feel like vomitting. fucking the feeling sucks. worse than the last time i was drunk. second time of the year i was drunk.. -.- zac helped me back to the chalet and he went back there again. called bevan.. cause suddenly think of him.. well, i can't really remember what he told me. i think he asked where am i and if i'm drunk. -.- then i KO until the next day.

second day:
woke upp around ten.. got ready then go and have breakfast at the restaurant. then went back to the chalet.. I SLEEP AGAIN!!! -.- until zhuzhu they all come.. and i'm still sleeping. -.- woke upp around 3pm. then got ready and go to waterfront city. and we played ATV. it's damn fun. :) then went to nagoya hills to have dinner and happen to meet roy they all. but we go separate ways. shop around then went back around 10pm singapore time. then slack a while. around 11:30pm.. we went to the swimming pool to celebrate wilson's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEE MAI!!!!!!!!!!!! hahas. hope you have a good one. :) had some ice breaking games and stuffs. quite bored actually. nothing to do. then we went back to the chalet.. i was with foul mood then. yarh.. tired i guess. then got KO around 3am. drank a little with zac. cause the vodka is left with a little bit. so we finish it. yupps. then KO..

last day:
woke upp around 10am. get ready and go to waterfront city again.. played paint ball and go cart. paint ball is damn fun lahh can! :) hahas. i like. hmm, after paint ball, slack at the holiday inn lobby. had a tiff with zac.. over the group photo which i think is of no use argueing over about. then after that went to go cart. ohh i love go cart!! damn fucking fun lahh. shiok can!! had two rounds of it. NICE!!!! hahahas. then we head to batam centre to take our ferry.. back to singapore. yupps. slept on the way back. yupps. then had dinner at vivocity. then home we go. and now i'm here blogging..

had a chat with ivan on the way back. sometimes, a person's words will leads you to have some deep thoughts. well, that's when i have some thought on the way home and this is why i seems to be moody.. wanted to go clubbing.. st james.. but zac say he's tired.. so i decided not to go. but i feel like going dxo tomorrow.. but zac don't wanna go.. end upp he tell me terry got some problem etc. that's why he can't go with me.. at first he was so against it.. then suddenly he tell me about terry.. actually, i don't quite believe what he say.. but i've decided not to go.. maybe i should stay at home or something. i guess that's what he wants from me. -to be an obedient girl. yarh.. so i'm not going.. maybe if there's band tomorrow, i shall give them a visit.. heard bds co got gold for syf.. well, actually i'm not bothered. and i'm not a little interested at all cause all my friends left bds already. co is not band. it don't bothers me. anyways, i've never respect their conductor cause their conductor is someone who doesn't deserve respect. well, i don't care if it's offensive.. this is the impression he left me with. -disrespectful.

well, i'm bored.. maybe i should maple a while then sleep lerx. BEVAN!! WHY AREN'T YOU HOME YET!! LOL. happen to see him online. chat with him a while and he then tells me he's going home. so i'm asking. bye~