again.. me and zac broke up. this time, i don't know if we're going to patch. i miss him. i was the one who said over. i knew i was too harsh on him. i know i was.. to overboard.. yes. but.. never mind. it's already like this. i know i'm not ready to be his girlfriend. i'll approach him when i think i am ready. not now. i'm ruining his life. i better get away. stay away from him.. his life. yes.. stay away from him and his life.
i feel very sad. very very sad. i don't know what should i do. i feel so troubled. i miss zac. missing him very much. kat.. since you've choosen this path.. then don't think so much first.. be yourself, like what zac told you and let time decide if you're gonna go back to him. for now.. concentrate on your studies. don't think so much.. yes.
as for what happened.. there's nothing much i can say. all i can say is.. it's solely my fault. zac's not at fault. anyone of you who read my blog.. please don't blame him.. he's not to be blamed. yes.. he's innocent. i feel sorry for him.. he could have been a happy person. if not for me.. yes.. i wish he hasn't known me.. i wish he never met me. i wish we never started.. i wish.. i wish..
haix. there's nothing but remembering him.. keeping him in my heart.. deep in my heart.. if ever i'm ready to return to him.. that'll be the day i know how to be his girlfriend. a girl who can meet all his expects of a girlfriend. i'm not ready yet.. that's why i'm hurting him.. again and again.. i wanna drown myself.. in a pool of alcohol. in a pool of cigarette. in a pool of blood. where i release myself totally.. to the entrance of ending unhappiness.. for both me and zac. i hate myself for being who i am now. i feel so lousy.. i feel so stupid. i feel so sad.. i wanna end all these sadness.. i wanna stop all these sadness.. i wanna be happy.. but i can't.. i don't know when will i be able to find back the kat whom i used to be.. the patience one.. the happy and always cheerful one. the optimistic one. the happy-go-lucky one. the one who still loves zac.. i don't know. i want myself back very much. but.. i don't seems to be able to find myself back. i feel helpless. i can't even do anything to help myself. i can't even pull myself out of the shell that i'm hiding in. just like what steven said.. i'm a girl who's strong. but on the weaker side of me.. i won't be able to pull myself up from sadness.. from troubles. it's a kat like this now. the kat last time wasn't like this. she was much stronger, much better. she's gone. she vanished. i want her back.. but don't know where to start to find her. i feel lost..........
to: qianhui.. chuti.. yuzhen..
girls.. if in any day.. you receive a call from me.. or a message saying sorry.. i hope you'll pardon me.. cause that's the day when i actually broke down and i will never be able to pull myself up again.. pardon me for being so weak, pardon me for being useless. pardon me for whatever i do. and remember i love you all.
well.. that's all this entry bahh.. will update soon.. hopefully.. bye..
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