357

this is the number 357th post i post since 2005.

3 years i've been blogging already. so many posts. so much memories. so much to miss and so much to remember.

feeling emo recently. probably cause of PMS. tends to think a lot.

sometimes i really wonder.. of my past 6 years' life. what have i really become? what have i achieved and learnt? what makes me who i am now? and why am i who i am now? for the 6 years many things happened. 6 years.. 5 of the years i spend with the same guy. whole 5 years was just him and no one else. sometimes i wonder am i just being silly or am i too stupid? or maybe i'm naive. spending so much time on someone who doesn't even appreciate me for 4 years. and finally when i'm appreciated, i lost hopes and faith. everything is just too late. reading my past posts. i realised i was really crazily in love with this guy for the first four years. no matter what happens, i just stay with him faithfully. even though there're quarrels and stuffs. but i still stay with him. for feelings. for all my first time was given to him. my first kiss.. first hug to guy. first guy i bring home. first guy i thought of marrying. first guy i gave a couple ring to. first guy i fork out so much time and efforts on.. first guy i sacrisfy my friends for. first guy who go back my hometown with me.. first guy my family approve.. first guy i go almost the whole of singapore with.. first guy whom i have so much dreams with. first guy i thought would be my last. but everything changed.. ever since 2004. relationship was deteriorating.. everything got worse. gone really bad. until today. it's still deteriorating. even after we're separated. why can't be still be friends? why do we have to still argue and stuffs. i never understood why. each time we're parted, we would argue still ( like what kris said ). never.. never know what's the reason behind it. of all my ex boyfriends.. be it lin ting or whoever.. he's the only one.. only one whom i can't be friends with after separation. don't know why.. life is never the same no more. with him not around.. it's weird. but i can no longer have the feelings i once had for him. it's lost.. vanish into the thin air. together with the wind to far away.. i don't know since when i started losing it. but probably after 31st december 2006. after what he told me on the phone when i was at wilson's place. with maria. hais. everything started losing after that day. my determination is gone. my will is lost. everything is gone. sorry is all i can say.. til today.. i realised my feelings is no longer there. people tell me it's wasted. people tell me not to end it. people ask me why.. the care and concern from them i appreciate.. but what can i do? salvage it when i myself know it's pointless? retrieve the feelings when i can no longer do that? be with someone whom i have no feelings anymore? pretend to be happy when i'm not? then have they ever spare a thought for me? whether am i comfortable being with him? whether am i really happy to be in the relationship? who really care about my feelings? who really think for me? not many. but some.. and the 'some' who think for me are the ones who really care about me, concern about me. my friend once told me ' i can see he really likes you, but you'll never be happy with him ' which i think i agree so much. peharps if things didn't turn nasty on 31st december 2006, it wouldn't be like now. i questioned myself many times.. what so good about me that makes him wanna be with me. i'm not good at anything. i have nothing to provide him with. i'm not the kind of girl he has been looking for.. why me? and i asked myself.. what's so good about him for me to stay with last time? he's good at nothing other than his sweet talks. why do i stay on.. why? a lot of 'whys'. but at least i got my answers now. it's simple.. we're just not meant to be. and even if we are.. we'll meet again when we are. this is the only reason i could give myself. and now that we're separated.. all i hope is both of us can still lead our life happily.. nothing else. i don't wanna have anymore arguements.. so i'm gonna be ignorant. all i can tell him is, ' if you think your assumptions are right, then so be it. i no longer wanna explain.. i no longer owe you answers. i owe you no living and i'm clear of what i'm doing. never a day i let you down other than losing my feelings. things have come this way and i hope to let nature take its courses. forcing is never my style and being myself is what i've been seeking. you can never accept the me now is a fact. so i see no point forcing yourself. nor forcing myself to find back the feelings i've lost. sorry is all i can say. goodbye and take care are my last words. '

said what i wanna say. at least now my heart is more settled. i hate explaining myself. but i have to do this to untie the knot in my heart. i've never wanna be enemies. but it's just so hard to be friends. maybe because of the years we've been together.. hais. don't wanna say so much anymore. what's done is done. and i always believe what's mine will be mine. no matter how long it takes, if it's mine.. i'll have it at the end of the day.

the process of growing up and learning about life is so unpredictable. is everything really destined? maybe. well, life is like that. i miss myself as a child. everyday is just playing.. nothing else. or when i was still a student. all i need was to study and nothing else. no need to worry so much. haiss. now, so much to think and stuffs. fuck up life. sometimes really feel that life is so meaningless. fucking meaningless. why do we even exist? have to go through so much shits. fuck life. i need a break from life. a long break..

tired.. tired and tired. tired of everything i've gone through. wanna sleep. close my eyes and never wake up. though life is short. hais. fuck LIFE!

okays. i'm tired. gonna stop here before i really collaspe from all my wild thoughts.

bye.