does it means you really understand?

sometimes, human have different point of views and opinions. and the different interpretation of a person's words causes unhappiness. but why?

i am a person who's straightforward. i am a person who say what i wanna say. sometimes my straightforwardness hurt the people around me. i'm aware. but, they're facts i say. they're even more true when i tell them with seriousness. i don't like to give false impressions. and i don't wanna hide my true self. i just wanna be myself. i just wanna be natural.. be the happy little girl of my life.

perhaps i was pampered before i became who i am now. perhaps i have been having things my way before i became who i am now. perhaps.. perhaps..

but i want to be who i am now. displaying my true self and not hiding myself or wearing a mask. this is not me. i don't want. i don't want..

sometimes when i'm unhappy or angry, i tend to keep quiet. for people who doesn't know.. this is me now. i just don't wanna talk.. so leave me alone. i'll be fine after a sleep. don't keep asking me why or what happened. i don't wish to say, i won't utter a word. if i wanna tell you, i'll tell you. so don't force me to tell you. i NEVER like to be force. it turns me off, TOTALLY. the best solution when i'm unhappy or angry is, just keep quiet and leave me alone. yes.

but when i'm happy, you'll see me jumping around and joking as per normal. two different me at two different situation. last time, i'll always remain happy eventhough i'm not. the life of having a false front is never nice. and it's hard to endure. to have to be happy when you're not is tough. to be cheerful when you're not becomes so fake. i don't wanna be a puppet. to be controlled by situations. and to have to look at people's 'faces' to carry on a 'happy' life. this is hell, not life. i just wanna be ME. the one and only kat.

i don't wanna sigh all the time. i wanna be smiling always. this is me, this is what i want.

recently, have been stress over work. cause trainees are coming like running water tap. and my learning coaches are expecting more from me. even when i try my best to be at my best form. it's never enough. i did what is suppose to be done but still, to them, it's never enough. they'll tell me.. ' you can be better than this. ' have been doing solo closings and i'm going mad. it's tiring to do closing ALONE for consecutive 3 days. especially doing it in the weekednds when work will only ends at 2am. and by the time you finish closing, it's close to 4am. a long night at work, i don't wish for naggings, complains or scoldings. i wish for console. or maybe just a 'how's your day?', 'are you alrights?' or 'are you tired? need some rest?' i may not show much reactions but to me, those sentences are heart warming. they mean a lot already. i don't need much. just these, just these will do.

coping, have been trying hard to cope with the stress given by my coaches. and trying hard to meet their expectations. trying hard to be the best i can. and do the best i can. but not enough, they're not enough. almost three months there.. this is the first time i feels so stress. perhaps i'm just tired. perhaps i just need some rest. perhaps...

9 more days.. to Micro competition. to win is my goal. but i know i can never be the top. second is my aim. but cause of work, i haven't been training. give up my training hours to the store. i never grumble. i was unhappy but i didn't grumble. and when i hope to go for some training, i'm physically and mentally too tired to go for training. this competition, means something to me. but i find myself not ready to go for it yet. not easy.. i have to surpass the knot in my heart before i could carry on. what should i do? i'm lost...

miss the funs, miss the days i only have to think of what time am i going out tonight? what time am i meeting my friends? what am i going to wear today? what kind of hairstyle should i do? i miss those days when i don't have to worry if i make anyone unhappy. i miss the days when i have no worries about anything. i miss those days.. but now, i'm so far away to reach them. i've been drifted apart from them by work. now, the only places i go is workplace, home, and zac's place. where else can i go? east coast? sometimes not even once a week. due to work. and the next frequent place i go is jurong camp. where else can i go? i miss those days when i'm going to MOS, st james, zouk, VD, DXO etc etc. i miss those days i have loud music every night. i miss those days hanging out late with friends. i miss my night life. but they're gone, ever since i started work. gone...

so many feelings, so many misses. but i can do nothing about it. and the feeling is like hell. i yearn to be freed from all these worries. but when can i?

my answer is, i don't know...