mask? reality? happiness? or sadness? fortunate or unlucky?

FORTUNATE OR UNLUCKY?
just watched a korean show. was very touched by the story.. cried. it was about a guy and a girl had a one night stand ended up with a child. the both of them got married with an agreement. (which means this marriage contains NO, absolutely NO LOVE.) but for the sake of the child, they try to fall in love with each other. five years later.. which is the year of their agreement's dateline. they discover their daughter is having leukemia. they tried means and ways to save their child. finding the suitable bone marrow for the girl. and sad thing is, the child have to undergo so much of sufferings so young. extracting of bone marrow. it's fucking pain!!! i did that before. the needle is so so huge until you'll be super scared of it. and everyday, three of them encourage each other to live on happily. and only through this period of time.. the married couple realised they've fallen for each other. hais. so nice right? haven't finish watching yet. -.- i pray the ending to be good one.

well, are they fortunate to have this child or are they unlucky to have? baby is the most wonderful living thing on earth. especially to all the mothers. to have them in their womb for almost 10 months. and finally you see the little fingers holding on to your one finger. or maybe when you wake up, you see that innocent smile on their face. kicking their uncontrollable legs and waving their uncontrollable hands. just the thought of these makes me smile. it's a fortunate thing to be able to conceive a baby and have your own flesh blood baby. there're people out there who have problems conceiving. hais. but it's gonna be so unlucky if you were to bring to child to earth to make them suffer from illnesses, or maybe going through hardships with you. i wouldn't want my child to be like this. but can we prevent? probably we can't stop the illness.. but hardships wise, i believe it can be done. so, ONLY GIVE BIRTH WHEN YOU'RE READY TO! (:

MASK OR REALITY? HAPPINESS OR SADNESS?
ha. sometimes, on the surfaces, things seems to be so so so perfect. but are they really that perfect? behind the scene, it could be the worse you can ever thought it is. but on the surface, it seems flawless. why?

why do people wear a mask? to be happy when they're not. to be hyper when they're not. to smile when they're sad. to uphold their 'principles' when they themselves break them. why? fake people everywhere. i was told.. told to be mindful with my language. well, is it better to say ' what the hell ' or ' what the fuck '? which is a better phrase? -.-

sometimes couples seems so fine.. but after they left the group, they could be quarrelling and asking for break ups. or maybe they're slapping and whacking each other. to pretend to be 幸福 in front of the crowd and to be like arch enemy behind the crowd? what the fuck? this kind of couple might as well don't be together. -.- wasting time only. find a better partner then. don't pin hopes on something worthless and no point. fucking no point. -.-

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hais.... yesterday.. on the way to home.. was listening to my mp3. memories flash back. so much memories.. feeling emo for a moment. but came through with it. songs that reminds me of people.. feelings that i once had. feeling low. feeling unhappy.

the recent unhappiness i had with zac, i feel affected. perhaps because of work, i tired myself.. and zac happen to somehow, irritates me almost all the time. so i got work up. sorry sayang.. when i don't feel like talking, just leave me alone. don't keeping asking me questions. those questions become fucking irritating when i'm angry or moody. your bad habits all these while, you know them yourself and i don't wanna repeat myself. i hate repeating myself and i think you know. so do something about it before i take some serious actions. please arhh, 19 years old already, not 9 or 10 years old. thanks. -.- think about it yourself. come up with a conclusion and tell me what you're gonna do about them.

i'm not a maid or anything. i'm a girl who needs understanding from her boyfriend. i'm not make of steel. i have feelings. i do feel tired sometimes also. why? why make it as though he's the only person who's tired all these while?? i'm tired too. i'm not a girl who expects their boyfriend to be nagging at her or telling her what to do. i hate naggings and i know what to do. i don't like to be TOLD TO DO something. this is stupid.. it's my life.. i take control of what i wanna do and how i'm gonna do it. it may sounds like i'm not sparing a thought for zac. but i'm not.. i do spare a thought for him. likewise, is he? sometimes he make me feel that all he care about is his skating and maple. while i was busy with work and he happily enjoy himself with the skaters. i envy.. the time he can have with the skaters. does he know how i feel? when i can't be at the rink? maybe he do, maybe he don't. i have no idea what is he thinking. sweet talks he's good in. but actions he's not. what am i to do? i made my choice. though he always tell me he did his best etc.. but how does he define his 'best'?

i dare not pin high hopes. always prepared for another separation in this relationship. this is my precaution. yes it is. until the day i really feel the happiness i want and longed for from zac, i won't dare to pin high hopes. me and zac is like the ocean waves. not consistent. ha. it has been years anyways, just that it's better for the past three months? RAHH! -.-

when will we be consistent in this relationship? ha. god knows.