a life with no more courage to carry on.

didn't have a good day yesterday.. well.. i thought things would be better of the way it was but i doubt i'm right.

last night had a quarrel with my mom.. quite a fierce one. and i'm super duper pissed at her. so when i leave home last night.. i didn't plan to go home actually. yarh.. i went to east coast after leaving home. reach east coast about 10:30pm. then skate until about 12am. then urban to bedok skate park with lucas, bong and zac. well, at that point of time.. me and zac were treating each other as friends. and things were good. then reach bedok skate park around 12:45am. wait for marcus and kaishi to be here. edwin met us too. cause he stay at bedok. yarh. then i sat at place alone for quite some time. talk to jun ming on the phone. and it just so happen zac walk to where i was and ask who am i talking to. so i told him it's jun ming. and sarcastically, he said " didn't know you got a new boyfriend " and he walk off like that. i'm like, what the hell. friends also wanna treat me like that. at first i was like, whatever~ and i got over it. and continue talking to jun ming. yarh.. then because everyone was on the skating ground.. i move my butt and go to skating ground. well, sit there.. i also didn't do anything. i shouldn't have gone there yesterday.. i should just stay at east coast and maybe things will be better.

last night when i was still at east coast, i called terry and zac was talking to me.. then terry goes like, " you all patch already arhh? " i said NO! crazy. well, in his dream i guess. sorry.. not in good mood..sorry if i'm offensive. then i told terry i'm gonna meet him later. he said okay. yarh.. after the call, we head to bedok. all the way was fine. and what happen at the skate park.. was written above. and after i go to the skating ground, i was still talking to jun ming. and zac say he wanna talk to jun ming.. so i pass the phone to him. and he was telling jun ming.. " you sounds like bevan.. " then he goes.. " you know what happen to me and her already right? " after which, he said, " i won't give up the forest because of a tree " and after that he goes like, " ohh no no.. i won't give up a forest cause of a grass " and he said it right in front of me. and i was like, okay. never mind.. then he pass the phone back to me. second time on the same day he did this kind of things to me. and i just simply forget it. then i went to skate a while.. cause jun ming put down as he needs to go for a conference. then skated a while. then tired. so i went to join them and watch death note 2 animate. then marcus, kaishi and lucas went to look for lynn.. it's left with the few of us there then. then i saw marcus mp3. and i saw the song " i wanna fuck you " inside. so i wanna listen.. then zac went like, " i hate that song. " then i was like, " your problem lahh, i like wadd. " then he was like,those who like this song is cheap. like whatever? and i told him " it's just a song wadd. you don't like then don't listen lahh. i listen myself. " and i walk away. after i finish listening to the song then i go back and join them to continue watching the show. but basically, me and bong is simply TALKING about it.. instead of wacthing it. =_= yarh.. -retarded- after watching the show, zac grumbles that he wants to go back already. cause we're going the same way.. we're suppose to share cab back. lucas is suppose to come with us. but end upp he didn't. so left with me and zac. i scolded him stupid last night and he kick upp a big fuss over it. i'm like, whatever~ you're stupid. and he was like " non of my friends dare to scold me stupid. " i don't give a damn. rightfully, we're not gonna share cab. but he was like, " wo da ren bu ji xiao ren guo. " fuck it mann. who's the xiao ren lohh. please lahh. whatever~

on the way back.. i was talking to jun ming.. then zac say he got something to tell jun ming. but jun ming say he don't wanna talk to him. so i told zac that he doesn't wanna talk to him. and zac got pissed. he say jun ming show him no respect. and say jun ming is rude. i'm like.. people already made it clear that he doesn't wanna talk to you. why you force him? who do you think you are? president arhh? even president also don't force people. please lahh.. i think he seriously don't know the situation lohh. i think he thinks he's AT HOME, a place where everybody listen to him. but too bad, he's not now. he's OUTSIDE. i think he's just feeling lousy cause he lost his ego. whatever~ then he beat me for not passing him the phone. at first i don't care.end upp he's hitting me harder and harder. i'm like, " what lahh! stop hitting me! " he demand to talk to jun ming. and i refuse to pass him the phone cause jun ming doesn't wanna talk to him. so i let him be. when we reach his house there.. he was super pissed.. then he insist he wanna talk to jun ming. seeing the situation, jun ming say he put down the phone first. then i say okay. and when i'm at the void deck. i called terry.. told him i'm here already. then he told me okay, he's coming down to meet me. so i waited there. but zac was calling terry.. asking him not to meet me. and he made terry promise him that he won't meet me. i'm pissed also already.. then i say to him " never mind, i can stay here alone. you can go up now, i don't wanna see you. GO HOME! " then he went to the lift lobby.. a while later, he came back, put his skates down.. and i'm like, " what are you doing here? go upp lahh.. i don't wanna see you. you can go home. " and he went like, " i just.. pity you " and i said, " in the whole of this world, everyone can pity me except you. you can go home now, i don't wanna see you! " but instead of going back.. he sat down. so i told him to go away. and he said " this place you buy one arhh? " and angrily, i told him " okay, fine, you stay here. I'LL LEAVE! " so i took my stuffs. and walk towards the playground. and at the playground..

i message jun ming to call me. and he called. so he accompanied me by talking to me. and unknowingly, i feel like crying.. and i cried. then terry called. ask me if i'm okay or not. then i say not really. and i was crying then. and dolly say she's coming down to meet me. when i was crying.. i suddenly miss bevan a lot. and so i gave him a call.. but he didn't pick upp.. at that moment.. i really hope he'll be there for me. at least he'll comfort me. console me. and to calm me from my anger. but he's not here. and i know he won't be here. jun ming told me to move on. for the first time in this year.. i felt myself so weak. i have always thought i could be strong enough. but no, i'm not. i need someone who i can depend on. and when i need him to be with me, he can't and he won't. now i understand what bevan meant by it's hard for us. i finally understood. but no, i still hope i can depend on him. rely on him. i guess i'm totally wrong. i can't do that anymore. there won't be a shoulder for me to cry on no more. there won't be a hug to comfort me no more. everything is gone.. on the day he left. i guess i'm not back to reality yet.. and i believe i need to.. soon.. no matter how much i miss bevan, things will always be hard if he's away. he realised this earlier than me. that's one he choose to be harsh on me. so that i could wake upp.. but i realised it only now.. now, maybe like what nicole tell me, everything wait until bevan is back then decide. well, i guess i should. yarh.. i should.

stayed at playground with terry and dolly all the way.. zac came down for a while.. he apologised. and he went upp.. i didn't talk to him at all.. not even looking at him. he knows i cried.. and he ask me not to cry already.. like i told jun ming.. is it because i owe him in my last life that's why now i'm returning to him? why does he have to do this to me? i thought things will be better of as friends.. but i doubt i'm right about it. after that he messaged me.. saying sorry and that yesterday is his bad day.. and he wasn't happy this few days.. ask me to understand. actually after the cry and a night there with terry and dolly's companionship, i feel much better. and i wasn't angry anymore. throughout the whole night.. all i'm thinking about is the happy moments that bevan left me with. and three of us chatted a lot. catching upp with each other. at last, me and dolly came to a conclusion,

LEO -> EGOISTIC.
LIBRA -> UNDERSTANDING.

well, quite true actually. haix.. i don't know. all along, bevan didn't tell me to wait. he didn't. if he left me with an answer. i'd know what i should do. but now i'm lost. very lost. i don't know what to. ben just told me.. bevan won't want me to wait. cause waiting is very tong ku. and ben told me to do whatever i wanna do cause if i wait.. i'm wasting my time. but ever since bevan went back.. i don't feel like going anywhere. i just wanna stay at home. and true enough.. i'm almost at home every single day. except for some days which i need to go and do some stuffs. or else.. i won't have the mood to go out either. i don't know. i just don't wanna go out. haix....

i don't klnow what else to write already. getting emo. i think i'm gonna get ready to go skating. don't wanna see my mom at home. and rink is the only place i feel like going now. no where else.

i miss bevan... at 4:22pm.